Never On a Sunday
by Leper Messiah
Summary: Finally Snape's been accepted as the new DADA teacher. Unfortunatly, the new Potions Professor is cramping his style by being even more creepy and psychotic ... whatever will Snape do?
1. What's this? What's this?

Chapter 1 - What's this? What's this? There's something very wrong!  
  
Severus Snape was giddy for the first time in-forever. After years of drudgery and disappointment, Dumbledore had finally accepted his DADA application. He was thrilled, exhilarated, almost jumping for joy. Almost.  
  
Thusly overwhelmed, Severus utterly and completely forgot the one vital matter which should have occurred to him immediately - his replacement.  
  
So, on this, the day before the students arrived, he trotted happily down the corridor to his office, merrily plucking the key from his pocket. He slid it in the lock, and pushed forward. Unfortunately for the professor, the door didn't open, and, much to the humor of a few passers-by, he fell headfirst into the solid oak. Ow.  
  
But, for the brief moment that his head had contact with the door, he heard faint music coming from inside. Confused, he shook his head, and then replaced it against the wood. Definitely music, definitely creepy. It sounded almost like it came from an organ .  
  
Suspicious, he kneeled down and looked through the keyhole. It was much too dark to see anything - there was barely a glimmer of light from inside. Enough! He stood up and straightened his robes, and with the best scowl he could muster in his jovial mood, he sharply rapped on the door. Nothing happened. As he lifted his hand to knock again, the door suddenly swung open, and Severus had to do a quick side-step to avoid a big cardboard box falling onto his feet. Then the door slammed shut.  
  
"Just wait one-" he started, angrily.  
  
"DADA office four doors down!" came the harsh reply. Severus grimaced and looked down at the box. A bizarre collection of office clutter - his office clutter - had been haphazardly shoved inside, and a neat but hasty "Snape" was scrawled on the front in a slanted hand.  
  
Sighing, the ex-potionsmaster bent down and picked up the remnants of his few personal belongings, carrying them awkwardly down the hallway. As he came to the door of his new office, he was startled by a pat on the back. He lurched around, trying to keep hold of his cumbersome package.  
  
"So you've met your new colleague? Excellent!" Albus Dumbledore beamed.  
  
"Well, actually-"  
  
"I'm so glad; you two will get along nicely!"  
  
"But-"  
  
"See you at dinner!" Dumbledore, clearly finished with their conversation, shuffled on down the hall. Severus hung his head and trudged inside the DADA office, which, like it's previous occupants, was sickeningly neat. Not a paper to be seen, not a knickknack in his peripheral vision. He sighed and dropped the box down on the desk, throwing himself into the large armchair.  
  
This sucks. He rubbed his eyes briefly, before looking up. The script on the box caught his attention. He frowned and spun the container around, offending words out of sight.  
  
In the two seconds he had had to see into his former office, the only thing he could recall was firstly, a set of impossibly tall black candlesticks, and secondly, a very imposing crucifix hanging where he had used to keep his prized griffin wing, which was presumably mangled somewhere in the bloody box. He shuddered. What a weirdo.  
  
* * *  
  
That's all for now folks; I have neither the time nor energy to update in long chapters. Hell, I shouldn't even be writing this, it's 2 AM and I have a crapload of work to do. But this stupid plot bunny was viciously attacking me in my sleep, and I spent my allowance on a faulty Holy Hand Grenade, and - forget it.  
  
10 points to whomever figures out who the new Potions Professor is based on . muahaha! 


	2. Certain People They Could Name

Chapter 2 - Certain People They Could Name.  
  
Tired and exasperated, Severus was not looking forward to the awkward meal awaiting him in the mostly-deserted dining hall. No, not at all. The ex- potions master was not exactly the most social of Hogwart's esteemed faculty - and he had no desire to be. But this was only one meal, and, as the hardened cynic he was, Severus could handle the one hour of uncomfortable solitude. And besides which, he was hungry.  
  
Taking a deep breath, he quietly trudged into the cavernous room, seating himself at the nearest of the Slytherin tables and hunching over.  
  
A minute later, much to his chagrin, a bevy of bonding new professors strolled in; their idle chatter resounded against the thick walls, multiplying Severus' irritation tenfold. And, just as luckily, they decided to sit down next to him at the Slytherin table, as to be in the vicinity of one of the more notorious professors. Great.  
  
"Extra-ordinarily incredible, don't you think?" queried one, obnoxiously balancing her glasses on the tip of her nose. The rest nodded and murmured in agreement. Severus slid down the bench a meter, hoping to escape the annoyance of staff gossip. What children!  
  
And so he spent a good half hour eating silently, wearing his trademark scowl and grinding his teeth as he chewed, trying to block the voices of the other teachers from reaching his ears. It worked to some extent, until his attention was unwillingly drawn in by a chance remark.  
  
"-terrible! And how creepy is that? All black, all the time." Severus' ears perked up in time to catch the next comment.  
  
"-never seen the sun in years! Like a ghost or something." The woman-with- the-glasses quipped. The others laughed. "Straight out of a Tim Burton movie, I swear. It's utterly unnerving."  
  
Opening his mouth in preparation for a scathing retort, Severus was caught off guard when the group turned towards him.  
  
"Don't you agree, Professor Snape?" asked one of the newcomers. Severus blinked.  
  
"Excuse me?" he replied icily.  
  
"Professor Tome is the eeriest thing since white rap. I mean - it's unbelievable."  
  
"And they said you had a reputation!" another blurted out. Inquisitive-Joe shushed her. Severus raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I'm afraid we have yet to be acquainted. I only just arrived this morning."  
  
"Oh really!" Lady-four-eyes gasped, smirking unattractively. "You're in for a great treat, I can assure you that. Crikey, what a fright."  
  
"I see."  
  
And as the conversation hurried down a new vein, Severus was left pondering the enigma of his replacement. He imagined an older man, with dark eyes . possibly a Potter-esque scar. He could also be younger, tall and thin, towering ominously like a spectre. It didn't really matter, in the end. Either way, Snape was jealous.  
  
Severus knew he was often compared with a vampire. He was dark, pale, intrinsicly evil-looking. He was also aware of the rumours and misjudgments passed around behind his back by professors and students alike. But the stories insured his privacy, so he didn't mind. Anything that kept him alone was to his benefit.  
  
And yet, he couldn't help but wonder what impact this new associate would have on his authority. If the students no longer feared him, enthralled with the terror of a more devious teacher, could he keep them in check? Or would he have to follow through on his reputable threats? Despite gossip, Severus did not strive to be a harsh professor. He was not out to get his students. But, he desperately needed to protect his seclusion. So was everything about to change?  
  
Calming himself back into reality, Severus vowed to solve the problem immediately. And first he would need answers.  
  
* * *  
  
Y'okay, so that's the second installment. I promise sevvy-poo will be meeting his creepy-arse replacement. And by creepy, I mean . really creepy. Ta for now! 


	3. See How I Transformed This Old Bat

Chapter 3 - See How I Transformed This Old Bat ... 

  
"Minerva, what the devil is going on with this replacement of mine!" McGonagall dropped  
her pen wearily, not bothering to look up from the papers on her desk.  
  
"Good morning, Severus."  
  
"No good mornings, Minerva. I'm forming a nasty picture of the man in my head, one which   
I don't find very agreeable!"  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that, Professor Snape. I was under the impression that you've already  
familiarized yourself with the new professor -"  
  
"I most certainly have not!"  
  
"-who happens to be a _woman_." She finished, rather brusquely. A new picture was now  
forming in his mind, possibly more dreadful and loathing than the first. Severus soured.   
  
"I'm not liking this, no, not at all … frightening, eerie, creepy, unnerving, ghoulish - seems as   
if you've replaced me with a gorgon!  
  
"Not dissimilar to names I've heard you termed by the students, Severus." He scowled.   
"Rest assured we've not appointed a gorgon. If we wanted to scare the poor children, we'd   
never have moved you. And the girl's nigh past 25."  
  
"… You must be joking." The figment of his imagination had burst, leaving behind a foggy   
blankness. "A child?" he thought for a moment, expression darkening.  
  
"The Headmaster always has his own reasons."  
  
"What's her name?"   
  
"Tome. Now-"  
  
"Given name, I mean."  
  
"It was Ophelia. No - yes. It's Ophelia. Or - Now if you'll kindly excuse me, I was in the   
middle of something when you so kindly barged in."  
  
Grumbling a muffled good-bye, Severus found himself alone in the corridor. It was   
unsettling. Without the students, the only sound echoing off the walls was pure, stifling   
silence. Not even the wind could penetrate the blanket of quiet which enveloped the halls.   
Severus moved suddenly to return to his office, but the sound of his shoes against the tile   
was grating; he slowed his pace until barely a scratch could be heard.  
  
But something, a familiar noise, was wafting towards him, faintly resounding against the wide   
passage. Again - the organ music.  
  
_A child_.  
  
With a newfound sense of purpose, Snape broke out of his pensive state and hurried   
toward the source of the music. 

Note: Yesh, I know that was goddamned short, but I'm goddamned lazy. In the morning I'll   
upload the next chapter. Yes, he does meet her in the next chapter. 


	4. Let the Sun Shine in, Let the Sun Shine ...

Chapter 4 - Let the Sun Shine, Let the Sun Shine in.  
  
"I told you to look down the hall!" the muffled voice screamed, "Haven't you -"  
  
But Severus wasn't listening. Instead, he kept tapping the door in a regular pattern. Over.  
And over. And over. And when she started to yell, he just started humming in the most  
god awful off-key manner he could. Until finally the door opened.  
  
"Hello." He smiled wryly. She glared.  
  
"What? What is it? Why must you cause so much noise? What are you doing?"  
  
"My dearest Ophelia," he started, taking her in with a quick glance. _Waif. Pale. Scowling_.  
_Childish mouth. Small pointed nose. Darting grey eyes, almost white. Obnoxiously   
large cross.Impossibly long black braid._ He imagined it was probably tied as a noose   
at the end. _A bloody gothic tart_. "I only--"  
  
"Ophelie. Ophel-_ie_." She looked upwards and crossed her arms. "Why can't anyone say   
my proper name?"   
  
"Calm yourself. No need to lose patience before the children arrive." He laughed at her.   
Silently, of course. _What a fool Dumbledore had become. She'd jump out the window   
before the first week was done_. "You're French?"  
  
"Well, isn't it obvious?" she sighed, exaggerating her slight accent. "Vive la revolution,   
etcetera, plus en plus?"  
  
"Don't speak a word, sorry. Now I was just looking for," Severus stealthily ducked   
around her and into the dimly lit office, "a few things."  
  
"Everything I found is in that box. I gave it to you." She called, catching his robe.   
"There's nothing in here."  
  
"You're very much mistaken. Those," he pointed to the heavy curtains, "are mine. And I   
am very," he stalked over to the window and began pulling down the thick fabric, "much   
in need of them." She gaped as sunlight poured into the room, bleaching the room in   
white. He gathered his bundle and sauntered past her.  
  
"You can't take those." She set her jaw, watching him leave. "My things will be ruined!"  
  
"Better find some drapes, then." He turned to survey the room. "Christ, it's bright in here."   
Her eyes narrowed immediately. Snape realized his slip-up, but, in his usual fashion, chose   
to ignore it. "I wouldn't go livening up this little corner of _Hell_ now … _if_ I were you. I'm   
sure you're much lovelier _without_ the light."  
  
"Magicien … hérétique, païen! _Démon!_"  
  
"I humbly thank you; well, well, well. Farewell, fair Ophelia!"  
  
"Abruti." She mumbled as the door slammed shut. She looked woefully at her crucifix.   
  
* * *   
  
Snape beamed cynically at his newly blanketed office. _Much better_.  
  
* * *  
  
"… and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil …"  
  
I know, another painfully short chapter. But at least it's getting somewhere now.  
And no one's gotten her character yet -- although the physical description isn't  
as important as the habits ... 


	5. Live and Let Die

Chapter 5 - Live and Let Die 

The first week of classes passed without a hitch. Which, in Snape's opinion, was a very bad   
thing. Students should never feel too comfortable in a class. Comfort led to boredom.   
Boredom led to ideas. Bad ideas. Snape was always careful to keep his students on their toes.   
If they were scared, they wouldn't dare try anything stupid. 

Which was precisely why Severus had adapted his path from office to classroom to include   
the potions room as well. If he still remembered his schedules -- and after so many years how   
could he forget - today was the first Gryffindor/Slytherin double. Of course, that was infinitely   
better than the Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff double - those kids were so perky and annoying he just   
wanted to wring their little-- Even so, doubles were hard to handle. Kids get restless easily.   
And with a new teacher … 

A muffled shriek interrupted Snape's thoughts. A French shriek. 

"Exactly," he mumbled to himself, hurrying down the corridor, "what I was waiting for." 

As he reached the door, a small blur of black came hurtling right at him, cursing rapidly. Snape   
raised an eyebrow. 

"Anything the matter, professor?" he asked dryly. 

"I would think that to be fairly obvious!" she glared up at him, straightening her robes. "Those   
little … monsters! Dieu!" 

"I see …" Snape craned his neck in order to survey the classroom. There appeared to be a   
petite and rosy-hued satyr dancing on the desk. Snape frowned, pushing past the outraged   
Tome and stalking into the classroom. 

"--Look on her face sent a right giggle down to me guttiwuts!" laughed one rather satisfied   
student. With a flick of his wand, the horned creature began doing the Macarena. The class   
laughed. 

The corner of Severus' mouth twitched; he could hear the collective sharp intake of breath   
as he entered the room, robes billowing like a storm cloud. _It's so easy to control these brats.   
Any bint with an ounce of sense could do it._

"Quit that nauseating chatter before I sew your mouths shut, quite literally." Snape sauntered   
cheerfully up to a now terrified little boy. "Is this your handiwork then, Mister …?" 

"Yes, sir . Delarge, sir." He squirmed. 

"Ah yes, Mr. Delarge. I recall your brother …" The boy gulped loudly, and Snape continued   
to revel in his authoritative state, turning to watch the satyr start the Madison. "Impressive.   
Very impressive. However …" he quirked a thin smile, sending instant chills through each   
body in the room. "Your little creation seems to be lacking one important characteristic.   
Flames." Snape casually drew out his wand, and aimed it squarely at the beast. Much to the   
horror of the boy, it caught on fire instantly. Snape stood still, watching intently as the satyr   
ran in circles, eventually collapsing and charring into a heap of ashes near the inkwell. The   
students shuddered. "Let that be your lesson, then. Class dismissed." Snape sighed, looking   
at the messy desk. "Delarge clean this up immediately. And 100 points from Slytherin. Idiots." 

Ophelie Tome was still standing outside when Severus decided to vacate her classroom. 

"That was cruel." 

"What's your point?" Snarled Snape, aggravated. "It solved the problem." He began to continue   
briskly towards his office. 

"They feared you, simply for walking through the door." She called after him. "You must be a   
very bad person." 

_You have no idea._

* * * 

"A dancing demon? I dare say that's a new one! Care for a lemon drop then, Severus?" 

"It's not funny, Albus. I knew this was going to happen, I was waiting all week!" 

"Then for God's sake why didn't you say anything? You're supposed to help other people,   
Severus, if they're in a bad situation. That's what teachers are trained to do." 

"What the hell do you think I did?" Snape threw himself down in an armchair, reluctantly   
accepting Dumbledore's offered lemon drop. Despite its sour taste, the candy did nothing to   
alter his already sour expression. "I'm not a nanny." 

"No, no you're not. I shudder to think what would happen if you were ever left in charge of   
another person. I can smell the lawsuits now." 

"Ha. Ha. That's quite amusing, but doesn't change the fact that you have a novice teaching a   
potentially dangerous class." 

"You disapprove, then?" 

"Of course I disapprove!" 

"I'm shocked, Severus. I was so sure you might actually sympathize with someone for once,   
that -" 

"Sorry. That's not my job. Get someone else." 

"I suppose I'll have to." 

Note: Awkward, but I'm leaving it there. It's too late for me to be writing (why do I find myself   
thinking this way too often?) and I have to regroup and form a committee for the next chapter.   
In the meantime, I'm incredibly happy I never started that Sirius/Remus fic I was planning,   
cause … well, you know. 


	6. Think of what I'm saying We can work it ...

Chapter 6 - Think of what I'm saying. We can work it out!  
  
"She's so creepy! She looks at us and … "  
  
"She took forty house points because we didn't mix it fast enough!"  
  
"I've never had bad marks in potions in my whole entire life!"  
  
Severus Snape looked incredulously back and forth between the three distraught Slytherins standing before his desk. _This  
must be a joke_.  
  
"… and what do you propose I do about all this? You are aware that I have no jurisdiction over that class."  
  
"But … but …"  
  
"There's nothing I can do. I suggest studying, and for Merlin's sake, stop looking so pitiful."  
  
The boys sighed glumly, and tromped out of the room. Snape sat in thought.  
  
These few complaints were just a handful of more than a dozen he had received in the last few weeks. After the … incident   
… of the first week of school, Professor Tome's teaching methods seemed to have changed. Drastically.  
  
Against his better judgment, Severus hauled himself to his feet, and resigned to making a trip over to the newly-draped   
Potions office.  
  
* * *  
  
"Knock, knock, Opheelee dear," Snape called in a voice dryer than he thought possible, "I think it's time we had a friendly   
little chat between colleagues."   
  
"Come in …"  
  
As he ducked into the office, he saw her look up briefly from a stack of papers.   
  
"Oh, it's … you."  
  
"And what, pray tell, is that supposed to mean?" Severus surveyed the office, which was even dank and dustier than he had left   
it. How pleasant. "Love what you've done with the place. Really, it suits you -"  
  
"Please leave." Severus blinked.  
  
"Excuse me?" He was not in the habit of being treated like a … student.  
  
"I am expecting another person in a short time."  
  
_And I care … why?  
_  
"Now just wait one second, you can't just -" he stopped as she stood up. Her braid was now, in fact, tied as a noose. Snape   
raised an eyebrow. _Psycho_.  
  
"Why are you here?" she grumbled, standing tall. Unfortunately for her sense of superiority, "tall" meant barely 1.55m.  
  
"Why are you harassing my House?" Tome pouted as he continued, "I'll have you know that Slytherins simply excel at   
potions work-"   
  
"Do not worry, it is not just your House. That would not be fair. I am unkind towards all students, just as you have said to be."  
  
_Fuck._  
  
"I didn't say to terrorize them! They can't learn if … if they don't have a stable learning environment. No one can do well in a   
class where they have to worry about the teacher, um, being cruel!" As he spoke, Severus realized that he was spouting utter   
bollocks and hypocrisy. _But she won't know_. "And you look so goddamned frightening!" She glared.  
  
"And you don't? Mister Defense against the Dark Arts."  
  
_Maybe.  
_  
"Of course not, don't be ridiculous. There's a difference between trying to scare the students, and doing it naturally!" He resisted   
the urge to swoosh his black cape in defiance.   
  
"I do not care! You cannot say one thing and then say another! You are being angry because you have nothing to complain   
about!"  
  
"Hardly! Your methods of teaching bring shame to this highly esteemed institution, and to the delicate science of potion making!"  
  
"If you are so caring about potions why aren't you teaching the class again?"  
  
"I don't want to teach those awful excuses for -"  
  
"I'm sorry - I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" a quiet voice called from the doorway. Snape spun around quickly, causing his   
robes to billow up. He hastily tried to straighten then while still retaining his poise.  
  
"Lupin?" Severus was startled. _Last person in the whole fucking world …_  
  
"Hello, Remus. I am sorry about this, I was asking for him to leave." Ophelie apologized, pushing past the dazed DADA professor.  
  
"Severus … you,re … okay, aren't you?" Asked Remus slowly, trying to asses the problem.  
  
"Yes. I'm fine, Lupin. Unexpected." And quite _unappreciated_.  
  
"Okay then. Shall we?" He nodded towards Tome, who walked out into the hallway. "I'm sorry to interrupt your discussion, er,"   
Lupin felt the need to explain, "but Albus asked me to, you know, show her around for a while. Talk. You know."  
  
_That bloody decrepit lemon-dropping bastard!_  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Snape watched, motionless, as the two walked hurriedly down the corridor chatting incessantly, not quite understanding what had   
just happened.  
  
_Albus ..._   
  
Note: Eww, sorry that took so long to update. School is bad !! Science is bad !! This is the only day so far I've been free to do any   
writing, so I'm updating chappies as much as I can. 


End file.
